As I start to write this I am overwhelmed with the thought that this may help others and serve as motivation. I do truly believe the act of being vulnerable is supposed to be shared. Being vulnerable can cause lies in us to surface, causing it to be easier to demolish the heaviness and resilience in our hearts that are keeping us captive to our thoughts. Vulnerability allows the masks we all put on everyday or only somedays to come off, making a way for love to heal us.
Remember this: sharing and being vulnerable is an act to invite the action of change into our hearts. When we share, we hear ourselves and the gunk under the surface is finally exposed. Then, it’s time to work through the gunk - whatever that may be, and to continue to be open, receiving any healing that’s waiting outside the door. You know, that door we all too often close and try to never open again. Some of us have locked that door and thrown away the key.
I did for awhile.
When I started feeling in my spirit that my son could possibly pass from addiction.
The trauma and grief set in. I had to fight with every ounce of strength to get up every morning, go on and just pray. I chose to find a remedy for my broken heart. I took epsom salt baths nearly every night to detox and with two auto immune diseases I knew I had to do something to help myself so I wouldn’t get too sick from grief. So as I soaked and used my bath time as a quiet time with the Lord to pray, I mourned. I wanted my baby to come back through my door. I couldn’t reach out to him when he left, when I did try it made his addiction escalate, I could hear the change in his voice over the phone. I was no longer talking to my son, he was gone, no longer himself. So I fought in intercessory prayer.
Intercessory Prayer: Intercessory prayer is the action of intervening on behalf of another.
This is a powerful tool we all have within us. I happen to be very strongly gifted in this form of prayer and prayed for a miracle to happen, for him to be broken free, and to come home…then after a few months and more baths and quiet time, my urgent prayers started to turn into a time of begging God to heal him and release him as I also prayed against any form of evil that was in pursuit of my son. I had a time that I questioned God. Was he going to do anything? I really had to choose to believe he was.
I fought against the dark through prayer, I believed in my bones that the dark couldn’t have him. My son is a child of God and he chose to pursue God on his own years ago, choosing his own salvation… I had comfort knowing where he would go if he did pass. Then, a few months later during my time with the Lord, I felt the Him asking me to position myself to let go. I was very resistant at first because initially this felt as if I was accepting that his passing may come to fruition. Why would I accept that?
How could God put me in this position?…
But you see, all the while as I was praying and soaking in my detox baths, God was listening, He spoke into my prayers comforting me and I knew my son had an army of angels watching out for him.
There was so much dark surrounding him, but dark never wins. At times like this, it seems as if the dark was winning.
but that’s not true.
You see, God took my son because He is Sovereign. He didn’t want my son to hurt. He doesn’t want any of us to suffer. I believe my son was suffering and I prayed for peace and freedom for him. Do I wish his freedom was here and he would walk through my front door into my bedroom and check on me like he did everyday when he came home from school? of course, more than ever. However, it would be selfish of me to rob myself to feel the joy my son is feeling now.
He is healed and my prayers were in fact answered. My powerful protection prayers that I so lovingly covered my son in when I couldn’t physically cover him in protection myself were answered. I used to say, my prayers were answered, but not in the way I wanted. After some long reflection, I no longer say this. Now I say, my prayers were answered and I can’t wait to hold him again one fine day.
I still think often about the timeline of events. How my son left at 17 in October 2020 and passed at the age of 18 in October 2021. I now look back and can really see all the miracles that were happening even though I still had dark days of grief where I was paralyzed. Part from the many things I am doing to stay active in my healing, one thing I am going to be obedient in, is a calling I have known for a time. To share the For Lake’s Sake blog on the FLS website in hope to help others who may find themselves in the middle of any kind of grief.
I will share a snippet of a journal entry that is included, I made the morning of Dec 21, 2021. We were on a getaway after Lake’s passing to take a time of respite. I quickly journaled my experience and knew in that moment it wasn’t just for me that I would share later to be used as a tool to bring clarity to others.
“Some may think this isn't of God. But I have experienced God on His level not man’s. He delivers peace and never confusion and I think I've had every question about death answered since you left, Lake. and I just simply ask Jesus, is this you? and I hear yes... so I’ll share because as I could keep private I feel it’s good to share experiences we have in life and spirituality to bring peace to others.
Every morning, when I wake up I have to accept that you are healed in heaven all over again. As I laid in bed sad this morning during vacation, I heard your voice Lake. God knew I needed it. You said, "Mom, you don't have to worry anymore. I am so happy now and I wasn't before. I am truly happy mom." I had an image of you smiling, and you were so excited that you could tell me this. It brought me peace and I could rest. God knows how to strengthen us in a moment. This is the strength I will forever need…"
I have learned through experience, God does allow connection with our lost ones. How do you discern whether the connection with the deceased is from the Lord? Here’s three ways. One, it brings peace no confusion. Two, the divine bridges the connection, not you. Three, a mentor once told me this…
"the same energy, light that was in them (the deceased) is the same energy, light that is in Christ and if we can feel Holy spirit presence then we can feel them too.”
So, that’s how you know and God listened to me. I prayed after Lake passed that God wouldn’t allow me to go a day without feeling or hearing Lake. I knew in my heart what I needed and I haven’t gone one day without…I can sense him hugging me at times and I rest in that moment, stop and hug myself as if I am wrapping my arms around his and just talk to him. No answer back but that’s ok, God knows and he makes a way for love to heal us. The way I experience may be simular or very different for someone else and that is the importance in vulnerability. You never know who may need to hear.
Let’s build a stronger self and heal together.
- Ada Disinger