November 24, 2019 was the day my journey with the lord and the spiritual battles that came with it came to life. I have always believed in God and I was fortunate to have grown up in the church. That is probably why my addiction hit me like a strong wave that carried me into a deep dark ocean for two years. In school I was always noticed and looked up to, and this turned my heart towards pride. With that pride came the need to appear perfect. I would strive for perfection in every aspect of my life, except my school work. I was homeschooled my freshman year and played for an amazing volleyball team with the most Godly women.
Unfortunately, that pride was still in the back of my mind. I had the mentality that I needed to be better than all of the other girls. I unknowingly turned away from God because I felt the life He had given me was not enough for me. I longed to be admired for my appearance and for my physical abilities.
As a consequence of focusing on what other people thought of me, rather than my relationship with God, I felt like I had lost control of my life. This inevitably led me down the dark and dangerous journey of my eating disorder. Bulimia was my addiction for 2 long and excruciating years. There wasn’t a month or even 2 weeks that would go by that I didn’t make myself purge. As time went on, I felt like there was no purpose to life...I wanted to die and give up the hope I clung to so often in the past. The loneliness I felt was absolute. I felt like I was damaged beyond repair and was empty of emotions about God for so long. One day something sparked inside of me after an incident with bulimia that almost ended my life. After that day, I realized that spark that I felt was hope. It was not enough motivation yet to stop the terrifying cycle of bulimia, but it gave me hope that better days were ahead. My heart knew I could not go on like this for the rest of my life. I made the decision to start each day by giving thanks to God for allowing me to live another day. I went to a retreat where I was saved. I felt the full force of God for the first time in my life. I started to read and understand our Father. I began to understand why we have the rules He placed in our lives. They are not set to stop us from living a fun life. They are designed to protect us from the emptiness of this world. He saved me from the waves I thought I would drown in. I would always pray for wisdom when I was younger and God knows the true needs of your heart. If you ask for wisdom you should be prepared to face hardships. God has infinite love for each one of His children. Having hope is what motivated me to receive His healing.
I felt the full force of God for the first time in my life. I started to read and understand our Father. I began to understand why we have the rules He placed in our lives. They are not set to stop us from living a fun life. They are designed to protect us from the emptiness of this world. He saved me from the waves I thought I would drown in.
"After that day... I realized the spark that I felt was hope"